Feeling Reflective

It’s my birthday in a few days and I’m feeling reflective. It feels like only yesterday that I left school. Yet here I am, running my own business and helping small people grow into big people.

I am certainly not qualified for the later job!!

The feeling…

With each year that passes, I feel the pressure to behave a certain way – more grown up maybe. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it’s honestly how I feel. I still feel like that teenage girl who left high school and has wondered through my life ending up here. I LOVE my life, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t feel qualified to be in it.

I am turning 37 next week. Not even a big birthday, but as I watch my little people changing on an almost daily basis I see the years flying past.

Another thing that I have started to notice, lines!! Around my eyes and my neck. I don’t feel ready for this change. I know I’m not 20 anymore, but I guess I didn’t realise how age creeps up on you. I don’t think I’m being vain, a little ignorant maybe?

On reflection

My parents had me and my sister when they were quite young, pre 20 in fact. While I watch my peers’ parents ageing and retiring, my parents are still going strong. 

I am so grateful for this.  I have amazing supportive parents. My parents separated when we were quite young, but they have both been great parents in their own ways.

What I have learnt from this, is that it doesn’t matter at what age we have our children, its a hard job! Especially if one of them is a little rebellious, or worse, your children take it in turns to be rebellious. But my parents kept going. Taking one day at a time and sticking by both me and my sister.

Learning to breathe

I moved to New Zealand when I was 21, my dad and my half-sister followed shortly after. I absolutely love having them here as he helps make New Zealand home for me. Yet I am still really close to my mum, who is always there at any time to listen to me struggle or win with my children (totally depending on the day).

They both remind me to breathe. As 37 approaches, I am still learning to breathe. I am trying to teach my little people this lesson at the same time I am trying to learn it. Just another reason I don’t feel qualified to do this job called parenting!

New chapter

As I add another candle to my birthday cake next week, I shall be turning a new page in my life. I am going to slow down, be more in the moment and breathe. I say this most years, especially since having children. This year, I feel like I might actually achieve this. Something feels different – maybe I am finally growing up.

How do you feel as your birthday approaches? Do you also start to feel reflective?

 

Feeling reflective – me with my little people, my dad and my grandma! Four generations!
Tracy Nicholls

One thought on “Feeling Reflective

  1. Tracy James says:

    I loved reading your blog as it voiced a lot of things I’ve only just started reflecting on in my 50’s. And getting to know more about you is fabulous!! 🙂 xx

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